Sunday, June 28, 2009

Billy Mays: RIP

Hat tip Bill, via

There won't be wall to wall coverage for Billy Mays. There probably won't be many "best of oxiclean" clips on cable news. But another king died today. The King of Pitch was only 50 years old and had plenty of time to surpass Ron Popeil as the greatest of all time.

Dismissed early in his career as a Bluto-like blusterer with no staying power - Billy showed them all he meant business when followed up the Orange Clean with Oxi Clean. And who could forget the kaboom! success in sweaty late night appearances on the Home Shopping Network. Heady days those...

Like Barry Sanders retiring too early, the passing of Billy Mays leaves us with a massive hole in "as seen on TV" advertising.

Sham-Wow guy, you have some mighty big shoes to fill.

Billy, you made me stop surfing a few times when almost no one else could have.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

NBA Draft: Suit Review

New money. New suits. Class...still a few years away. These guys are not "the most interesting man in the world" candidates in these threads (Dos Equis reference).

From the bleachreport.

Autin Daye, new Detroit Piston, is 6'10" and weighs 195 pounds.

Jrue Holiday, his name is missing a vowel and his suit is missing...something.

Stay thirsty my friends!

OK, here's the commercial.

Friday, June 26, 2009


OK, it was technically a water spout. As I walked out of my office on NAS Jacksonville this afternoon, I was staring a huge tornado about 1 mile away.

Either way it was totally awesome. Some of my co-workers got better shots with real cameras.

Here is a shot from Firstcoastnews. NAS Jax is on the left and downtown Jacksonville is in the background.

The Curious Case Of Brooke Greenberg

She is 16 (see below in the arms of her younger sister), has the body of a 3 year old and still can't speak. Broke Greenberg still has baby teeth but her bones are like a 10 year old. Does she have the fountain of youth gene?

...doctors are hoping to use Brooke's case to figure out the genetics behind aging. Dr. Richard Walker of the University of South Florida and geneticist Maxine Sutcliffe believe that Brooke has a genetic mutation that prevents her from aging. They are hoping to isolate the gene to figure out how it is that humans age.

"Without being sensational, I'd say this is an opportunity for us to answer the question, why we're mortal, or at least to test it," Walker told ABC. "And if we're wrong, we can discard it. But if we're right, we've got the golden ring."

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Detroit Public School System Full Of Ghosts

By ghosts, they mean they are cutting checks for people who don't work there, literally. From today's Detroit Free Press.

A payroll audit this month at Detroit Public Schools turned up 257 names that will be subject to an investigation into so-called illegal ghost employees, officials said Tuesday.

All of the district's estimated 13,880 workers had to pick up paychecks or direct-deposit slips in person by June 12 as a first step in determining if anyone who is not on the payroll is collecting pay.

This is amazing. DPS made their employees go downtown to pick up their paychecks/direct deposit slips in what could be termed an "old school" audit of actual employees.

These incompetent bastards can't figure out who works there and they are entrusted with teaching kids...sad

I wonder if the ghosts will return the stimulus money Obama sent? Or were they considered "shovel ready" projects too?

OK I'll stop now.

Line 'em up!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Sham Pow: Update for Photos

Vince Shlomi, the Slap Chop and Sham Wow! guy beat the hell out of a prostitute in a hotel room after he alleged she bit his tongue. The before and after pics of the prostitute tell the story. The story broke over at the Smoking Gun a few months ago.

Here she is after a regular bust...

And here she is after getting sham pow'ed

Now she got her slaps in too...

Monday, June 22, 2009

Unboxing: Ungirlfriend, Unlife

Unboxing. I thought it had something to do with math. Then I saw apple dorks slobbering over the new i phone. This guy takes the cake.

I could call this guy a geek, but that would be slandering a lot of geeks. The thumb-stroking of his i-Phone at 3 minutes is slightly disturbing. And then we are treated to a little home video with his rubber ducky, piggy, and sex slave lion.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Faces Of Parkour

When I heard about Hillary Clinton busting her elbow I thought that it sounded like a free running crash. An elbow? Parkour idiots and old people break their fucking elbows. I'm sure I have more sympathy for Hillary than I do for those 5'5" ex-gymnasts who seem to do this in place of having girlfriends. I'll give you the opening to Casino Royale, but isn't that where it stopped being cool? If not then, it lost it when 45 year old fat asses started training for it in DC. When big tits Bob from Fight Club joins your free running class, it's time to find something else.

Maybe Obama is leading some Rose Garden free running and that is how Sotomayer broke her ankle. Something is up, or else Obama is picking the clumsiest fucking administration in history.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Fox's Hottest 40 Over 40...Again With The Tomei Snub

Last year, Fox News published it's hottest 40 over 40 and I was curious how they might miss Marissa Tomei. OK, this is pre-Wrestler and not many saw Before the Devil Knows You're Dead.

This year, a new hottest 40 and they did it again. Yes, they found Valerie Bertinelli, and she deserved it, but how in the hell does Sarah Jessica Parker get on that list again.

Where's Glenn Beck on this? If this doesn't qualify for the one thing...I just don't know.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Seinfeldian: Attorney Blames Woman's Death on Spray Tan

This is how George's prosecution would have looked for the death of his fiance after licking the tainted invitation envelopes.

MIAMI — A defense attorney has suggested that a spray tan might be to blame for the death of a 33-year-old South Florida woman whose husband is now facing a second-degree murder charge.

Prosecutors believe 36-year-old Aventura developer Adam Kaufman strangled his wife, Eleonora Kaufman, in November 2007. But during a bond hearing Tuesday, defense attorney Bill Matthewman floated a different theory.

So what would I add to the story to make it a complete episode? You would have to have this guy representing Kaufman...

Elaine could go on a $30,000 date with the mayor while the city is shut down for a lack of funds and Jerry could start a riot in France with a joke about Muslim youths.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Womens Softball and Mexican Pizza

Last night I watched the third inning of the women's college world series, AKA WCWS. I didn't set out to watch it but circumstances, and a table of 50-somethings trying to be cougers - who also happened to be sitting right below the TV with a MLB game, dictated that I turn the 45 degrees to spend a few quality minutes with the the Lady Gators and the Huskies, but I'm sure they use a name other than Lady Huskies.

Turning my shoulder to the aging cougars, I watched intently as the third inning began. It is a sport after all and I am a man eating a Mexican Pizza and drinking a beer.

Washington had three straight hits to start the inning and loaded the bases. The problem was that each of the hits were those those swinging bunts, where the oversized lime-green ball dribbles to a fielder whose hands are too small to make a good throw to first base.

Note to guys: You can't spill your beer chasing foul balls at the WCWS. Not that lime green ball. Not cool.

About a quarter of the way into the pizza, I realized it was really bland. No heat, no spices. Just like the game on TV.

Anyway, the next hitter sent a blast bouncing to the WCWS warning track, AKA the infield basepath. It squeaked through into center field. The throw to home was late and the catcher tried to catch a runner at second. That's when it got spicy.

The catcher uncorked her toss into deep center. The center fielder watched the errant toss sail and the base runners started flying like a herd of gazelles fleeing a hungry momma lion.

They were running up each others backs, and darting to and fro.

And I lost it. I yelled at the TV, "that's the best hit of the night number 3" and I started laughing. Controlled at first, then I noticed the ladies just staring at me, quiet now with their sloppy drunk eyes and I bursted. Food coming out of nose, face bright red, uncontrolled gut buster. The harder I tried to stop the more it came.

After about 30 seconds of this, I threw my napkin in the air and said, awww fuck.

Apparently, I drew the attention of the owner and he sat down with me and asked what the hell was so funny. I explained the situation and he got me some napkins and 2 free beers.

I settled down. The drunk ladies left. Gee I wonder why. And I had the place to myself.

Getting back to my mexican pizza, I noticed that towards the middle the jalapenos and onions really kicked the dish into gear. And working through my beer I ended up watching the game.

Quiet now, I realized that the ladies need to spice up their game a little more and the biggest problem is that damn ball. Does the WNBA play with bigger balls than the NBA? Do women golfers hit bigger balls than Tiger? Do women soccer players have bigger balls than the males? OK, bad example.

My point being that softball needs to right-size it's equipment. Just use a baseball. Better throwing. Better hitting. These ladies are athletes and they can handle a faster game. The Olympics didn't dump softball because they didn't have compelling players and stories. They dumped it because the game is flawed. There are lots of Olympic sports that are not competitive. There are something like 3 different biathlon medal events that the Scandi's win every time.

Fix the ball ladies and the Olympics will beg you to come back.

By the way here is the link to the third inning outburst that made me lose it.

I looked it up...they are the Lady Huskies. And they kicked Florida's ass 8 zip.